What does anxiety means to you? Part 1

What does anxiety means to you? To me it was a completely new word until a few months ago. Well actually two years ago to be exact, but the me that time did not realise it. I kept thinking that I was just going through a "phase". It all started when Malaysia had her first lockdown (MCO 1.0, LOL). Everything was such a new experience and given that I own a small business, it was a total new challenge for me. However, to be very lucky, my team and I managed to work our way through it and did our very best. Physically, I thought I was coping fine. Well, why wouldn't I be? It was lockdown means more time at home with my husband and work was somewhat less stressful (besides the financial part), so I thought I was alright. Then, it started. I start to have weird feelings here and there in my body. I kept thinking that I was sick. On some days I would thought that I was experiencing heart problem as I felt that my chest area was tight. Then on some days, I would have very bad palpitation and that made worried as I thought that my body, internally, was really going through something bad. I tried talking to my husband about it but him being him, he wasn't really the most ideal person to talk to as he would just brush me off saying that I was just stressed with work. It got worse to the stage where I would thought that my fingers are numb and I forced my husband to bring me to the hospital in the middle of the night. End up having the doctor to tell me that I was just stressed, just go home and get some rest and it will go away. I went home thinking to myself, how stressed am I? What am I stressed about? Every time I asked myself that question, the inner me would immediately answered: Nothing a. I am not stressed over anything now. Now that I looked back, I still do not understand and realise what I was stressed about but I guess it would be because of work and also the sudden experience of lockdown. 

Then things kind of got a little out of control. I would have constant attacks where I would cry to bed, palpations, hard to breath and I would remember that I kept thinking about bad things and I was very certain that something was wrong about me. Then, I started exercising. I thought exercising would suddenly make my body healthier. Yes, it did make me feel better but the attacks were still there. I remember at night I would cry so badly and my husband, he really does not know what to do with me. I kept telling him I want to go visit the doctor now. I want to go do a full body check up now. But my husband still kept reassuring me that everything was fine and I was just overthinking. But it was something internally, I couldn't just stop thinking about and I also don't know how to stop thinking. To a certain extend, I told myself, if it is so hard to live, why live then? The thought of this broke me. I was weak and lost. I was ashamed that I would have thoughts like this but the me at that time, I didn't know what was going on with me and I was lost. 

Until the day, I went home to my parents house for dinner. All these while I did not tell them about the things I was going through as I did not want the two oldies to get worried about me. So I just sucked it in. Until that dinner, that particular dinner. I sat with them and my husband and I just started talking about it randomly to my parents that I wasn't feeling well. I remembered saying it with a smile on my face. I smiled and brushed thought it as if it was nothing. I was so so so glad that my parents saw through me and knew that something was wrong despite my act up front. They told me to come home. Those were the words from my dad : "If you really don't feel well, just come home. Daddy mummy can take care of you." I was shattered inside but I tried to control. I did not want them to be even more worried. 

Then, within 2 days, I packed and went home. I was very sorry to my husband and his family. I did not know how to explain to them in words what was going on and till this day, his family still thought that I left home cause I didn't want to stay there. Anyway, the first few days with my parents, was good. Attacks still come and go but it was slightly better. I sat down and had talks with my parents and they still couldn't understand what was going on. They also thought that I was just overthinking. Until one day, I had an attack in front of them. 

It was in the afternoon, I sat there and my family were all talking to each other and I started to feel something wasn't right. I suddenly felt that my throat was tight, like about to suffocate. I felt that I was having palpitations again and my chest was tight. I was nervous as both my parents were there as well as my brother. I did not want them to see this and I did not have an explanation of what was happening to. I just kept quiet thought the whole conversation until a point I blurted out : "I don't feel well". My mom was the first to come over to me. She asked: "What's wrong?". My word vomit started. I blabbed out everything I have been feeling, my palpitation, my chest tightness, my crying at night in bed, and also, my silly thought of committing suicide as I thought if life was so hard, why stay on. I cried and cried and kept on talking. My parents were shocked. Yes, I finally put it out in words, after a year of experiencing it and my parents finally got a glimpse of what I go through. The constant relieve in my body was so surreal. But don't get me wrong, the attack still continues, but this time, my parents were taking care of me. They talked to me, they listened to me, they didn't leave me alone as they know that's when I'm the easiest to fall into attacks again. In the next few days, they brought me for a full body check up and the report came back all good. They even brought me to a temple (yes, my parents are very strong-minded Buddhist) to ask for help spiritually but everything was ok too. So I just stayed along with my parents and they took great care of me. It really did get better. There are days where I wouldn't have any attack at all but there are still days I would cry myself to sleep but I was glad that my parents know what I was going through and they can sense it too, especially my dad. When I was quiet and about to fall into another attacks, my dad would always be the first to see it and he would then keep engage me with talks to make me feel better. I am very very very grateful for them.